Today I'm going to write in English because I think I can express myself better about this particular topic.
Voice of the unheard. Sounds kinda creepy, right? But, it is far from creepy, let alone gives you goosebumps. Actually, I'm just going to relate something from my experience since way back in my childhood days. The thing that is most probably the most sensitive part for me, and for some of you, too. Ok, let's not dwell too much on the intro, shall we?
Introvert.
Shy girl.
Quiet girl.
Lonely girl.
I can't really recall since when do I do get labelled as the things mentioned above. But, for as long as I can remember, it was more than 10 years, if not less. I used to get upset when people referred me to as an introvert, and telling me to be more talkative and stuff, to the point of getting annoyed and irritated. At that time, I rebelled in silence as they didn't just know how much struggle I had to go through just being in the public.
In fact, due to this character of mine, I used to be bullied during my early childhood where I used to be the errand girl. As time went on, I was then elected to be student representative both in primary and secondary school which really gave me a hard time. There were expectations to be met and many things to be carried out. Looking back over those times, I really don't know how did I survive those days. Of course, there were some achievements made, and not to forget, disappointments also followed suit.
And then, as you guys know, I enrolled into University of Malaya to further my studies in Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery (MBBS). At first, I really can't see my future as a doctor since my character is like this. However, looking at my parents' faces with so much hope, I embraced my fears and went in.
This is where it all started. I started questioning myself again and again.
'For how long are you gonna stay like this? Can't you change for the better?'
Then, I took the first step to be more expressive and giving out more opinions. I started to join in facilitator programs, involved in certain societies and join in some discussions and usrah.
Well, it was not easy though. I stuttered a lot, pausing here and there. And sometimes, I could not keep up with the discussions at all. There were times where I got cut off when I was giving my idea due to other more brilliant ideas given by others. (I'm sure they were not aware of this and not intentionally do that.) After that, I would go blank and could not proceed further. There were also times where I got some ideas after the discussions, but could not convey it further because decisions had been made. Well, I admitted, I really get annoyed by that at first, as if I was not given any chance at all.
But then again, when I reflected back, maybe I should prove to the others that I also can do it. So, I slowly try to give out more opinions and made some actions. More often than not, I failed in doing so. That really made me felt worthless and pretty much shut down myself.
So, I took some time to myself and pondered over it over and over again.
And then, at some point, I've got some revelation (well, after a long time).
Why would I need to prove myself to others when the most important thing is that I should prove to myself first that I can?
That made me realise, I have purposes in this life. God doesn't just give me a chance to live to just dwell on myself. I have the power to choose and to make actions.
That made my perspective on life changed.
I need to accept and love myself first, and then I can spread the love to others.
Life does not revolve around myself, I also have to think about others.
I could do more than I used to think.
I could give more benefits to others.
I discovered my passion in writing.
I became more expressive than what I used to be.
What I've learnt was, we need to accept who we are first, then, we'll discover and improve more. You don't have to be what the others want you to be, just be yourself, and become better.
Don't expect people to understand you, because sometimes, you, yourself may not understand yourself at some point.
Open up to constructive criticism and ignore the judgement. Believe me, inshaAllah you'll be more at ease and you'll be more of benefit to others.
Explore more, read more, meet new people and make a change in your life.
May Allah bless the journey. Amin.
P/s : to those who have the same problems with me, may you have the strength to keep going. you can do it, just believe in yourself.
P/s/s :Currently, I am reading this book, maybe that's why I really wanted to post this entry.
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